decisions.

I had a big decision to make today.

Catch up on leisure reading (our Garden & Gun Magazine has been sitting on the coffee table untouched for over a week) OR take a nap?

I chose to get some shut eye...

night night.

Last night, two days shy of 7 weeks, John and I decided that it was time to move Brooks into his nursery to sleep at night. I started putting him in his crib during nap time a week or so ago to "test the waters" and he seemed to do just fine in there. But, the real reason for the transition was sleep. Our sleep. Our nights have been quite restless with Brooks sleeping in the cradle next to our bed due to all the coos, grunts, and whimpers that he makes. I will admit, being able to reach over and pop that paci back in his mouth or rock the cradle gently to help him fall back asleep have been convenient, but this mommy and daddy need undisturbed sleep BAD. 

Yesterday afternoon I was finally able to grab the monitor that we are borrowing from Lea and Bradley. After little man's bath and bottle I prepared his room for the night, but it wasn't until after I put him down, walked out into the den and was met with John's comment, "I can't believe you aren't an emotional wreck right now," that the tears started flowing. Was I really ready for this? Was Brooks? 

Here's how it went down:

We decided to bump Brooks' bedtime up from 9:00 to 7:00. At 5:45 he had a bath, at 6:00 he had a bottle and by 7:00 he was swaddled up and ready for night night. I rocked and prayed over him for about 15 minutes and at the first sign of dozing off I stuck him in the crib. By 7:30 he was asleep (we never have issues with him going down at night, so no shocker there). 

The rest of the night was a mess. Typically, Brooks' first sleep stretch ranges from 4-5 1/2 hours (calculated from the beginning of a feeding to the time he wakes up), the next sleep stretch ranges from 3-3 1/2 hours, and the last only two hours, which means the two of us are waking twice (sometimes three times) a night. Last night, we got up FOUR times. Yes, four. By 6:30 a.m. I was desperate for some shut eye so I went into the nursery, swooped Brooks up, brought him back to our room and let him sleep on my chest for two hours. Definitely not the outcome that I had hoped for. 

But, we both survived (I was more worried about my emotional, hormonal self here), so I would chalk it off as a success. The hardest part is behind us. Here's to aiming for more sound sleep tonight...and self-control from turning on the monitor screen :)

impossibility.

My greatest postpartum fear was not being able to breastfeed my sweet boy. My heart shattered at the possibility...or impossibility for that matter. Several weeks ago my fear started to become a reality when Brooks wasn't gaining weight at the desired rate and the doctor became concerned. Brooks' health took priority over my needs and expectations so I accepted the fact that I would have to start supplementing with formula. The lactation consultant assured me that feeding him some breast milk was better than feeding him no breast milk.

So, I nursed then pumped after each feeding in hopes to increase my supply and wean Brooks from the bottle, but I wasn't seeing any positive results. Instead, I faced painful breasts, sore nipples, and heartache. Just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, my supply started to slowly decrease in my right breast and it became engorged.  On Monday I woke up with two large, throbbing lumps near my armpit. The verdict? Clogged milk ducts. I tried everything to get rid of them; massage, warm compresses, hot baths and showers, heating pad, pumping on all fours, but felt no relief. To make matters worse, I started to develop a clogged duct in my left breast, as well. After a trip to the doctor the next morning, an ultrasound, a shot of and prescription for antibiotics, and a consult with lactation I was dealt really bad news: I had mastitis and the infection was so bad that it was on the brink of turning into an abscess. The news didn't stop there...it was also confirmed that I had thrush. It can't get any worse than that, right? Oh, but it did. 

Let me back track a bit.

In high school I suffered from fibrocystic breast changes, which led to two surgeries to remove a few adenomas. I didn't think that these procedures would lead to long-term damage, but the ultrasound that I had this week confirmed that several of my milk ducts were damaged, thus not producing milk. That explains a lot. I am incredibly thankful to have so many questions, doubts, and uncertainties answered, but I am heartbroken. I will never be able to bond with any of my children by means of breastfeeding. I will never be able to provide them with ideal nutrition. 

I wanted to give up. But, I'm not. I will continue to pump and feed Brooks the 2-3 ounces that I am able to express for as long as I can. Again, some breast milk is better than no breast milk. I am encouraged and am at peace. No matter what happens, I will know that I did my best and remind myself that whatever the circumstance, it is the Lord's will. I am assured by His love for me and especially His love for Brooks. 

Psalm 91

I have faced some pretty dark days this week, but find light in the Lord and in His greatest gift to me: my Brooks. He never fails to bring a smile to my face or flutter to my heart. I find myself falling more and more in love with him every day. Even when he wakes me in the wee hours of the morning. When our eyes meet as I approach the cradle all of the pain, feelings of exhaustion and inadequacy, worries, and guilt disappear. He shines so brightly in my heart. 

My sunshine: 

lap nap | winding down

cuddles with mommy | finger holding

big bib | glimpse of a smile

headache | passed out

boppy baby | arm snooze

silly face | chillaxin

afternoon stroll | ready for bed

those lips | swimming in my outfit

one month favorites.

1.  Fisher-Price Luv U Zoo Deluxe Musical Activity Mat - Okay, so this isn't one of Brooks' favorites (yet!), but I think that an activity mat is a first month must for stimulation and tummy-time. This mat flashes lights, plays music, and has a rotating mobile. Plus, it's cute! Big thanks to my brother and sister-in-law for the hand-me-down. We are putting it to good use! 

2. Boppy Pillow - Whether you are breastfeeding or bottle feeding, you are going to want this pillow for support! Believe me, your arms will get extremely tired and your back will start to ache. We also use it during tummy-time and as a place for Brooks to nap. 

3. Medela Pump In Style Breastpump - I didn't want to have to use this, but due to complications, I am having to exclusively pump and supplement (more on this later). This pump is the Ferrari of all pumps. Yes, it packs a hefty price, but trust me when I tell you, you are going to have to pump at some point and when you do have to, you are going to want a high quality, electric pump. Your nips will thank you later...

4. Avent BPA Free Freeflow Silicone Pacifiers - Brooks loves, and I mean loves, this paci. After trying several different brands that didn't want to stay put in his mouth or were as big as his head, I finally turned to my pediatrician. Thanks to her great advice, we finally had a winner. 

5. SwaddleMe Microfleece - Without this, our baby would probably never sleep at night. Brooks definitely prefers the SwaddleMe over the Halo SleepSack. However, I do think that the SleepSack will come in handy when he gets a little bit older. We chose the microfleece because it is super cozy—great for winter months.

6. Boon Lawn - Because we are bottle feeding Brooks pumped breast milk and formula we have a lot of bottles, nipples, and pump parts to wash...and dry. The Boon Lawn not only works wonders in the drying world, but also looks cute on the kitchen counter...double whammy. 

7. Nose-Frieda Snot Sucker - Brooks is prone to boogs. We blame the cats. Thankfully, this little contraption gets the mess out of his button nose without too much irritation. At times, John and I have both gagged while using it (you actually suck the boogers out with your mouth, but worry not, there is no way for it to transfer to your kisser), but in the long run, it works so much better than the bulb given to us at the hospital. 

8. Puj Tub - Brooks loves bath time, thanks to the Puj! He curls up in it perfectly—snug as a bug. Once he gets too big for the sink, we will lay it flat in the tub and lie him on top of it. It is made of a "non-slip" material so baby will stay put. It also hangs on the back of the door to dry, so it is great for small spaces. 

9. GroVia Magic Stick - I purchased this all natural diaper ointment to use with the cloth diapers, but because it smells amazing and works wonders when Brooks gets a little red bum I am using it with disposables, too. It comes in different sizes so buy one for the changing area and your diaper bag.

10. Farm Plush Blocks - These blocks and these links are Brooks' favorite toys. I chose to highlight the blocks because I think that they are perfect for newborn stimulation. Not only do they jingle, but they have different fabrics and patterns for baby to feel and look at. To top it off, they are absolutely precious. Done deal. 

11. Burt's Bees Baby Bee - I am a huge advocate for all natural products, so it was a no-brainer when choosing a body wash, lotion, and soap for Brooks. His sensitive and dry skin loves it and it smells really good.

12. 4moms Mamaroo - There are so many great swings on the market, but this is the greatest (in my opinion). It doesn't take up much space and is sleek and modern—that's why mommy likes. Brooks loves it because its wonderful features. It can play music from your phone or iPod and has several swing modes and speeds. Brooks' favorite? "Tree Swing" on HIGH! 

And lastly, here are a few more one month favorites not pictured:

Carter's Cotton Bodysuits

Organic Cotton Mittens

Lansinoh Soothies and Medela SoftShells

Sleep Sheep On The Go 

and blankets...lots of snuggly blankets. 

the weather outside.

The weather outside has been frightful. It has rained non-stop this entire week, plus some, which has forced Brooks and I to be confined to our little home and fight a horrible case of cabin fever. It is safe to say that I was super-stoked when I saw that today's forecast predicted no rain (hallelujah) and about jumped out of my skin when I saw that there was a likely chance of SNOW!

And snow it did...

Unfortunately, Brooks and I slept through the fall, so when we woke up and peered out the window, the snow had already started to melt. But, this didn't stop us from getting out in it! Naturally, I had to take Brooks outside to experience his first snowfall. Who knows when he will see flakes again?! So, I bundled him up, tracked through the snow slush in my wellies to the highest and most covered-in-snow ground and snapped some pictures while breathing in the fresh, cold air.

Without further ado, Brooks, meet snow. Snow, meet Brooks:

He wasn't as thrilled as I thought he'd be...

HAPPY SNOW DAY!

one month.

Today we celebrate the first month of life with our baby boy!

Here are a few tidbits and dates that I want to remember from Brooks' first month:

Brooks has a stork bite on the back of his neck.

His umbilical cord stump fell off on January 2nd, just one day shy of 3 weeks. We never thought it was going to fall off!

His first "real" bath was on January 5th, which he loved! We bathe him every other day before the final nurse of the night to wind him down and relax him. He does not make a peep when that warm water is running (it's another story when we take him out to dry him off).

Brooks loves to sit and lie with his feet crossed and while nursing he sticks his big toe straight in the air.

After a sneeze I mock him and it makes him smile/giggle every time. He is most content right after a feed and diaper change. He will coo, smile, and blow bubbles. We usually spend about 5 minutes talking to each other on the changing pad...one of his most favorite spots! 

First doctors visit was on December 18th. We were actually on time! 

When he is dozing off that little mouth gets to moving. He smiles, sticks his tongue out, puckers his lips, and twitches. It's the sweetest sight!

Brooks is not a fan of tummy time, in fact he doesn't care for the activity mat even when he is on his back. He only tolerates it for a few minutes at a time. So instead we do tummy time on my chest which seems to work just fine. Little man's neck is getting stronger and stronger, but not as strong as those legs! My, he's got a pair of strong stems that love to kick and lock to mock standing up!

Brooks loves his hands. If they're not up by his face, they're in his mouth. His new thing is to stick a finger in his mouth while he is taking a bottle. Presh!

JB is still wearing newborn size diapers, but hopefully in a week or two we will be able to transition to cloth diapers.

Lastly, Brooks loves to be held. Often times we will lay him down after he dozes off for a nap and those eyes will open wide. His favorite positions at the moment are the "knee hold" where we lay him on our legs facing us and rock him from side to side, the "cradle hold", which without fail puts him to sleep if he is also sucking on his paci, and the "upright shoulder hold," which isn't just for burping!

I know I will say this as each month comes and goes, but I really cannot believe how fast this month flew by and that my newborn's age is officially calculated by months and not just by weeks anymore. This month has brought so much change--change to Brooks' appearance,  growth and development and great change to our lives--change for the good and greater.  I cannot imagine life without our sweet boy. I feel so blessed to be his mommy!

Happy ONE month John Brooks! You have already enriched our lives so much. We love you and look forward to watching you grow! 

turned corner.

I cannot believe that in 3 short days Brooks will officially be one month old. I really need to start savoring these fleeting days of newborn love.

When I last checked in at 3 weeks we were struggling as a family. Brooks wasn't thriving, he was irritable most hours of the day, and wasn't getting the amount of rest that he needed, which in turn amped up the irritability. 'Twas a vicious cycle that we couldn't break, that we didn't know how to break. It absolutely broke our hearts to  see our Brooks so unhappy. I felt extremely frustrated at times and helpless.  As a new mommy, this was hard. Luckily, there was light at the end of the tunnel.

It is so crazy the difference a week can make. At 4 weeks we have turned a corner and now have a happy, well rested, FULL bellied baby on our hands.

On Monday morning I took Brooks to see his pediatrician for a weight check. We were really hoping for better news than his last weight check and I was hopeful. Unfortunately, over the span of 3 days Brooks only gained one ounce, putting him at 7 pounds, 9 ounces. His stools had been green and mucousy (should be yellow and seedy), as well, and even though Dr. McAfee told me I needn't be concerned, my instincts told me otherwise. After crying to speaking with Dr. M, the verdict was that I must start supplementing with breastmilk and formula at each feeding until my milk supply increases. Naturally, I was upset, so when I walked out of the office I shed several tears. However, once I grasped the reality of it all I became motivated. If we were going to do this we were going to do it right! I immediately put a call into the Kaye Dahle Lactation Center at Brookwood to get some advice on how to go about feeding Brooks and to make an appointment with a consultant for the following morning. That afternoon I began nursing, supplementing with breastmilk, supplementing with formula, and pumping for the next feeding. I was nervous Brooks wouldn't take a bottle and he was iffy at first, but once he got a taste of my milk he was sold! I have never seen a baby take a bottle down that fast--poor thing was STARVING. I immediately saw a change in Brooks' demeanor. He was so content. That night he slept at 3 hour feeding intervals. I got 5 1/2 hours of sleep! Ahhhhmaze.

At my consultation the next day the nurse weighed Brooks prior to his feeding so she could see how much milk he was taking from the breast. I was shocked to see that he gained 4 ounces in one day! Praise God! I then nursed, she perfected my latch, showed me different holds, and instructed me on certain techniques to rouse the babe since he tends to get lazy or doze off. Little booger. When we were finished she weighed him again and established that he is getting about 55 ml (or 1.9 ounces). This is definitely not the 4 ounces that he needs! Now I know why he was wanting to nurse every hour...

I also brought my pump to make sure that I was doing that correctly. Check! After a nursing session I typically can pump between 1 and 2 ounces. Hopefully my supply will increase to 2-3 ounces so I won't have to supplement 1-2 ounces of formula after giving him the bottle of breastmilk. From the looks of it, I may have to pump indefinitely, but I'm okay with that. It has given John the chance to bond with Brooks. He loves giving him a bottle in the evenings and watching them melts my heart.

This afternoon we had another weight check and I'm proud to say little B is up to 8 pounds, 4 ounces. Wow! Before we know it Brooks will be covered in rolls. I can't wait!

I also had my first postpartum appointment today and it went well other than seeing the dreaded number on the scale. Time to hit the gym...

the reason.

BACKTRACK!

It's hard to believe that we celebrated Christmas this past year with a new addition to the family. Brooks made the holiday that much warmer and more special, humbling our hearts not only to reflect on the birth of our son, but on the magical birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, the true hope of Christmas. What a sweet reminder and portrayal of the innocence of the real Reason for the Season. 

On Christmas Eve, Brooks took his first trip to Mama Jean and Grandaddy's farm where he met the Bryant side of the family—and the horses, donkey, and new piglet, of course. 

On Christmas Day, we spent the day at Shug and Pops' where Brooks met the Dyson/Thompson side of the family. There was LOTS of love to go around.

Hopefully Brooks won't sleep through all of the merriment next year...

gaining and growing.

Our little man is 21 days old today! We are head over heels in love with our tiny blessing, but parenthood is hard, really hard. We have had our fair share of ups and downs these past 3 weeks and I am running on fumes, but it's so worth it and incredibly rewarding at the end of the day when I gaze at my sleeping baby's oh so perfect and peaceful face and think, "we survived another day." 

Brooks had his 3 week check-up today and we were dealt both good news and bad. Bitty boy is healthy and growing, however he is not growing at the most desirable rate. He is back up to his birth weight, but is only gaining about 1/2 an ounce per day versus one ounce—which means one thing: he isn't getting enough milk...this mama's worst nightmare. 

Deep breath. Brooks typically nurses for about 40 minutes every two hours, sometimes less, sometimes more. This is very draining on me, because that means that after a session, he is ready to nurse an hour later. Let's just say he is attached to me almost all day, every day. You would think that he would be plumping up with such long feedings, but we have a VERY slow eater on our hands who tends to latch and unlatch rather frequently. This is both frustrating for me and baby.

I have yet to pump, but this is about to change. If this doesn't increase my supply, our pediatrician suggested supplement feeding (giving him a couple of ounces of formula at the end of each nursing session). I am praying that the pumping helps and that I can continue to exclusively breastfeed, but at the same time I am reminding myself that if I ultimately have to supplement that I am not failing as a mother and that I need to do whatever is best for Brooks. We go back to the pediatrician on Monday to see if peanut has gained any more weight. If he has, great...if he hasn't, we will discuss other options in more detail.

Please pray with me.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to enjoy every second with our adorbs boy—the smiles, the coos, the cuddling, the fussiness, and tears. Yes, even the fussiness and tears...

I could just eat him UP.

XOXO.

ringing in.

Many blessings in 2012 and more to come in 2013. Expecting God to do something great in us this year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!