So, I nursed then pumped after each feeding in hopes to increase my supply and wean Brooks from the bottle, but I wasn't seeing any positive results. Instead, I faced painful breasts, sore nipples, and heartache. Just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, my supply started to slowly decrease in my right breast and it became engorged. On Monday I woke up with two large, throbbing lumps near my armpit. The verdict? Clogged milk ducts. I tried everything to get rid of them; massage, warm compresses, hot baths and showers, heating pad, pumping on all fours, but felt no relief. To make matters worse, I started to develop a clogged duct in my left breast, as well. After a trip to the doctor the next morning, an ultrasound, a shot of and prescription for antibiotics, and a consult with lactation I was dealt really bad news: I had mastitis and the infection was so bad that it was on the brink of turning into an abscess. The news didn't stop there...it was also confirmed that I had thrush. It can't get any worse than that, right? Oh, but it did.
Let me back track a bit.
In high school I suffered from fibrocystic breast changes, which led to two surgeries to remove a few adenomas. I didn't think that these procedures would lead to long-term damage, but the ultrasound that I had this week confirmed that several of my milk ducts were damaged, thus not producing milk. That explains a lot. I am incredibly thankful to have so many questions, doubts, and uncertainties answered, but I am heartbroken. I will never be able to bond with any of my children by means of breastfeeding. I will never be able to provide them with ideal nutrition.
I wanted to give up. But, I'm not. I will continue to pump and feed Brooks the 2-3 ounces that I am able to express for as long as I can. Again, some breast milk is better than no breast milk. I am encouraged and am at peace. No matter what happens, I will know that I did my best and remind myself that whatever the circumstance, it is the Lord's will. I am assured by His love for me and especially His love for Brooks.
I have faced some pretty dark days this week, but find light in the Lord and in His greatest gift to me: my Brooks. He never fails to bring a smile to my face or flutter to my heart. I find myself falling more and more in love with him every day. Even when he wakes me in the wee hours of the morning. When our eyes meet as I approach the cradle all of the pain, feelings of exhaustion and inadequacy, worries, and guilt disappear. He shines so brightly in my heart.
My sunshine:
lap nap | winding down
cuddles with mommy | finger holding
big bib | glimpse of a smile
headache | passed out
boppy baby | arm snooze
silly face | chillaxin
afternoon stroll | ready for bed
those lips | swimming in my outfit
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